The Before and After
by SilentDaughter
Summary: Companion piece to Home. Just some of McGee's thoughts and feelings about life after Paraguay since he's been back home. Takes place between the season pilot and the most current episode.


**If you guys haven't seen the newest episode of NCIS, don't read my final A/N because it contains major spoilers for the episode.**

 **This is a companion piece to** _**Home**_ **and takes place between that story and the most current episode, "Voices".**

At first, he had struggled to reconnect with his team. Then he had struggled to reconnect with his wife. Now, he struggle to reconnect with himself. It was easier with everyone else; he could just plaster on a smile and pretend that everything was okay but when he was alone, his thoughts took over and it was difficult to tell which Tim McGee was there. Was it the one from before or the one from after? The one who was used to not eating and literally begging for his life at all hours of the day or the one who took his bubble of ignorance for granted.

The therapy sessions had helped for a while. They helped him differentiate which McGee was from the Before and which one was from the After. The one from Before was more aloof and went about his day like he had hundreds of times before. The one from After was more guarded and took more precautions than was necessary.

He woke up each morning convinced he was still back in the dingy cell in Paraguay, his comfortable bed the hard floor and his beautiful wife nothing but a figment of his imagination. Those first few weeks Tim would stay up all night and watch as she slept, eager to memorize every little detail of her face. Someone so beautiful shouldn't be forgotten. Her morning sickness had tapered off and now she slept peacefully and was able to eat more. Tim began giving her his share of food.

It wasn't that she was pregnant - okay maybe a little bit - but he had no desire to eat. After so long without eating, his body got used to the lowered calorie intake and his homeostasis evened out. At first, Delilah had refused his offered food and practically forced him to eat but once she realized that the meals made him sick, she let him eat as his own pace. So far she was seeing progress that she liked. So as the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, he found himself getting better at being able to step into the role of the McGee of the Before.

He got up in the mornings, kissed his wife good morning, took a shower and got dressed, made breakfast, cleaned up, kissed his wife goodbye, and went to work. As long as he stayed focused on the case at hand and the tasks he was given, he could pretend that he didn't see the looks the other agents gave him or the whispers behind his back as he went for coffee. Nick and Ellie were careful around him too. They were more gentle in their approach and they seemed to be always willing to do things for him even if it meant going out of their way.

Gibbs looked like he was handling the adjustment back to civilization better than he was and honestly, he was jealous. The older man had gone through more torture than McGee had and yet here was like those two months in Hell hadn't even happened. Tim wanted so badly to just move on with his life and put everything else behind him. He wanted to focus on his work as Senior Agent and as a mentor to Ellie, Nick, and now Clayton. He wanted to go home to his wife every night and not pretend that the gaping crevice that was between them didn't exist. He wanted to be excited about the upcoming birth of his child and he wanted to be talking about baby names and putting together furniture for the nursery.

Instead, he found himself either sitting in the living room after a particularly terrifying nightmare or washing off the sweat, blood, and grime he could swear was still on his skin as he sobbed quietly in the shower. Some days he didn't want to get out of bed at all; just lay in bed and pretend that there was nothing outside the world of his bedroom. It was those mornings that he was grateful for his wife. It was one of those mornings that she finally got across to him.

 _Once she realized that he wasn't going to get up anytime soon, she wheeled herself to the bathroom, did her business, washed up, wheeled back, and then made herself comfortable next to the man she loved._

" _I know it's one of those days, hun, but you gotta get up. You gotta get up and go to work to make the world safer for our little Peanut to grow up in. I'm not gonna say that I know what you're going through because I don't know but you gotta let me in, Tim. You can't keep everything bottled up inside, it's not healthy. I love you, Tim, more than anything in the world and I need you to be here. I need you to help me. I need you to hold my hand and tell me that everything's going to be okay. I need you to be there with me for early morning feedings and late snuggles." She paused and looked for any sign that her husband had been listening. Scooting closer, she continued on._

" _I'm not the only one who needs you. Your family needs you. Gibbs and the team need you. Our baby needs you. I want to help you, Tim. I want to be here for you like you were for me after the Conrad Gala. But for me to help you, you need to help yourself."_

After that morning, McGee had finally found his footing. On the days he didn't meet with his therapist, he would talk to Delilah. On the days where the memories were too dark or too violent, he wrote them down and then burned the paper; it was something he had seen Delilah do before and he found that it worked.

He thought that perhaps it was the act of burning bridges and snuffing out the flames of his nightmares that became therapeutic. So now, after he finishes writing, he burns the memories and everything associated with them.

Little by little he began to move forward.

He had been afraid of the Tim McGee of the After because he thought it was an enigma of everything bad that happened but as he sat at his desk and watched the grainy video of the latest ultrasound his wife had sent him, he realized one thing:

The Tim McGee of the After was born from the ashes of his experiences and his horrors. In its place is a new McGee who burned brighter than ever. For a split second he thought that he could get used to being the McGee of the After.

 **If you haven't seen the most current episode, I'm giving you a chance to exit the fic and go on about your day.**

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 **Our little probie is having two little probies of his own! I don't think I've ever been this excited for a fictional couple before in my life. Honestly, I had a hinky feeling that it was gonna be twins because so far there's been two girls born into the NCIS family. They couldn't have thrown in another girl because there'd be girls all around or throw in a boy just for the sake of having a boy (not that there's anything wrong with that). It also could have just been because the writers couldn't decide if they wanted McGee and Delilah to have one or the other so they just went ahead and got them both.**

 **I've also got a feeling that they'll carry on the tradition of naming the babies after someone who's been killed or died (Palmer's daughter Victoria was named after Ducky's mother and Tony & Ziva's daughter was named after Ziva's sister). It's kinda sweet in a way. **

**Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this short little ficlet and don't be afraid to let me know what you think.**

 **Until next time,**

 **-SilentDaughter**


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